Let me tell you something about L’s background.

We met while he was in a psyche unit getting therapy for the domestic abuse he suffered from his previous partner. He was there for 3 long years, and came out last November. He didn’t know that there’s a contract between his parents and the home team which his parents didn’t informed him.  Now that we’re getting married, they told him he can’t because of the policies. They were also skeptic to my reason for staying with him. Can’t I help it if I’m so in love with him that even on the account that my family would probably disown me, I went ahead with it. They don’t realized that I’m just a simple woman, no qualms, no cruel intentions whatsoever and that I’m just in love with their son?

What more do I have to do to prove  to them that I’m not after their money? I accept him for who he is, not what he have. He is the most genuine, most loving person I’ve ever met, and all I want to do is spend the rest of my life with him. Being with him, I forgot my worries because I know that I’m safe and protected and I’m loved.

I love him so much that it hurts when he’s away from me. I can’t walk away from him without feeling the pain stabbing me with every step I take.  All  I want to do is marry him, love him, take care of him, bear his child, support and help him for the rest of our lives together. Why are they so against me? I’m making their son happy as he makes me happy.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

          But now, I find myself in a “grey area” that I can’t seem to fathom. I’m involved with L but this relationship is somewhat blurred in between friends and lovers. I always get mixed from him. One minute he sais he wanted to marry me in the church, next he’s backing away like he’s afraid of me or something. I understand rationally that one thing I need to do is step away from the situation, take a sabbatical from craving him, but its hard to walk away.  How could I walk away when all I want is him? When I can’t think of a future without him with me? It’s frustrating, especially for someone like me whose always looking for answers and usually gets it right away. He even called me Mrs. m when we were at the petrol station. (Just got a message from him that he got home safely after bringing me home from our day trip). Is it really possible to feel ambivalent feelings for someone, kind of love-hate relationship? It’s funny earlier when we were arguing like an old married couple.

          I remembered the lesson from the anatomy lesson, If there’s nothing wrong with the parts, maybe there’s something wrong with the function. I think that’s it, I’m so used to him by my side that every time we’re apart, I felt that he takes a bit of me, even if he don’t know it (if he does, maybe he’ll freak out more!)… I felt that I’m long overdue an overhaul, but what if this change is not something I could live with?

help?

          He fetched me this morning at quarter to eleven. Being excited with his car, he launched into a discussion about the gadgets. I admit that I don’t have much knowledge about cars, nevertheless, I’m quite amazed that he cares for his car and he’s happy to be back on the road after 2 years. We went to the mall, went around, had lunch and laughter in between. Instead of going to the movies, we went on a road trip around a town,went back in here and did some shopping. When we got home, we cuddled a bit and I decided to impress him with my cooking abilities. I cooked marinated pork (family recipe), croquettes potatoes and mixed vegetable sautéed in butter. He joked that he needs the emergency number just in case, but after 20 minutes, he was scarfing down the dinner that I cooked. It was romantic because he is the first guy I’ve ever tried to cooked for.  He kissed me and thanked me for the delicious dinner.

          I felt that we are a real couple this day. Shopping, driving around, cooking, flirting and cuddling. A perfect day. A recipe for love.

         I realized a lot of things that weekend. I realize that I can be happy with simple things, nothing more, nothing less. Just talking with L, laughing and discovering new things about each other made my time worthwhile, and maybe,just maybe, let me fall in love again with him. I always thought that I don’t need commitment, but I was surprised that I can commit to something, something special that it will be hard to walk away from. He made me giddy with just one look and smile, I can feel my face blush with anticipation when I know that he’s coming to see me. I can’t see anyone else when I’m with him.

         The question now is: Are we going to London, France or Belgium for vacation?

         Here I go again…

          As I decide what appropriate shoes to wear, I suddenly remembered the trainers that my former housemate W gave me. Testing it, I found that I’m not slipping in the snow as my normal trainers would. So, with 3 coats on, jeans, trainers, socks, gloves and hat on, I bravely ventured out. Not bad. (Hold that thought, my stomach is growling waiting to be fed…)

          It’s already 10 past six in the morning, and yet I can’t sleep. Am I turning into an insomniac now? I hope not.

          Anyways, these new trainers are great. Think I’ll use these for work from now on. I must remember to thank W for these shoes….

          As I look back, 2009 has been a mixed of jumble emotions for me…

JANUARY – I’m still a Korean English teacher. I just started dating Cafe boy. Family life is hectic, but bearable.

FEBRUARY – Still working but got a raise, not bad, considering I’m barely two months in the job.  Love life fell apart when the rents don’t like Cafe boy.

MARCH – Mum left the country, family life at peace. Lovelife zilch! Had to resign in the job.

APRIL – I thought that the manager in the agency was just kidding when he told me that I got visa acceptance. I mean, he told me April 1 (April Fool’s day)… On the 27th, I got up early and left the country. Excited yet homesick.

MAY – I met my good friend and roommate G. It’s a good thing that we’re from the same country. I had my 25th birthday which I celebrated on the eve because I’m actually working on my birthday.

JUNE – Homesickness is hardest thing to feel. I felt really depressed at this time.

JULY – I met L. At first, I thought this is not going to last, since we’re quite different from each other. But, times goes on, and we discovered that we have lots in common (being clumsy, spoiled brats)

AUGUST – Coupledom bliss. We might argue from time to time but we resolved it quickly. We communicate well, it’s unbelievable.

SEPTEMBER – Crash and burn. One minute we’re okay, next we broke up. Huh, deluding myself much? I spent half of this month just moping around, G had to kick me out of the room lots of times  so as not to be depressed.

OCTOBER – I finally got the chance to talk to him again. We cleared out lots of issues that left hanging from 4 weeks that we didn’t speak to each other. It’s not the matter of not loving each other, it’s the timing that sucks.

NOVEMBER – We continued flirting with each other while the separation timing looms over us. He went back to Wales at the end of the month.

DECEMBER – He started seeing this girl, but it quickly crashed because the girl went back to her abusive partner (are you out of your mind?). But he lost his phone thus I don’t know what happened to him over the holidays.

So far, it’s been about him. If I didn’t meet him, I would probably be bored out of my mind by now.

I wonder what will 2010 will bring for me?

          Yeah, I’m being bitchy right now , so what?! And another thing, when someone is tired mentally, you get temporary dementia. I made myself a cup of coffee earlier, and five minutes later, I forgot where I put my cup (I finally found it, after 2 hours, out in the gardens, I forgot I put it there because I made a beeline for the laundry room). All work and no play makes a carer grumpy, snappy bitch.

          I do realize something. If you don’t have enormous patience and fiery passion for this job, you won’t last. This is a cut throat competition job. Everyone is nice but behind the smiles are snide remarks, favoritism and crappy management. Management so crappy they told us to wash every dishes by hand because the dishwasher is broke again and they can’t afford to buy the industrial dishwasher. Favoritism in a way that they give these good rota time to the older staff and the younger ones gets the odd working hours. Snide remarks made that could cost you your job (believe me, they almost got me fired).

          It’s also frustrating that no matter how hard you work, you don’t get credit for it, but when you do even a miniscule mistake, they blow it out of proportions. Yeah, overlook the fact that I helped loads of people today and unleash poisonous remarks about me not mopping the toilet floor really well (I’m a carer not the custodian). Being paid minimum wage, the least that they could do is get off our backs.

          A person close to me asked why don’t I leave this job. I can’t explain clearly but one thing I know. I love those people living there, even the antsy, batty kind. I love the feel that even they don’t remember you after 5 minutes, at least you made them happy for a minute or so. I love the way I see their smile. I love hearing that at least they appreciate your presence in their lives. That’s what makes this job worth it, after all the bitchiness mentioned above.

          Forgive my snappier comments, forget my nastiness. I’m just human and this human is going to sleep now. Tomorrow is another day to make changes in others’ lives thus changing yours.

         I was planning on travelling this morning but when I opened the a webpage, lo and behold, headlines said 2 died in an accident. Great, just great… Now I’m anxious even to go to town.

          And what do our esteemed government officials doing? Faffing around, I expect. They couldnt even suggest salting the countryside roads, roads in which is more dangerous because its less traveled therefore ice is very treacherous.

          How many lives will be lost before these so-called concerned officials do something about it? Will it take several freak accidents from them to get off their lazy bums and do something about it? Please, lets not risk another life, be more concerned over your constituents. Afterall, these are the same people who would put you in that position. Act now!

          I hate this feeling of not knowing. Not knowing what’s going on, not knowing what’s going to happen.

          I don’t know if he lost his mobile or he changed number. I’m beginning to panic now. I’m hoping for the best, I have no other way to call him. I can’t sleep not knowing. He isn’t like this. Even if he is angry at me or I’m angry at him, he lets me know. Now, I feel that I fell into a deep abyss.

          I know this is pathetic. I know that I don’t have the right to worry like this, but I can’t help it. I have to know.

          Panicking…

          I felt really bad; I can’t even smile to the nice old ladies in the bus ride home. When I finally got home, I just lie in bed, just looking at the ceiling. After an hour, I snapped out of it (and I need to turn on the lights because it got really dark already), and decided to read a book I just bought.

          This book contains funny ways on how to be naughty and get away with it. When I randomly opened the book, the chapter reads like this: The Naughty girls guide to Money. A sign from God. Hahaha! As I read through the chapter, not only I learned a lot, but I felt better. It made me realize that I’ve got everything I wanted (well, almost everything, still haven’t got a boyfriend, but that is a different topic…).

          Coming to this country, I learned lots. Before, I didn’t need to budget for food, bills or even school because everything was provided for me. But here, if I’m not careful with my money, the bank would lovingly send me an overdraft letter saying to pay up. Between my meagre salary and my magnificent bills to pay, I can hardly save. This sure made me more mature and conscious about how I spend my money. Sure, I go to shopping trips but I’m not like before, like a kid set loose on a toy store with mum and daddy paying everything I could grab. You would mature a lot if you really want something and you have to wait 4 weeks to get your hands to it, which by that time, you’re either sick of longing for it or you already changed your mind.

          No shame in being poor, at least you’re not nicking anything, your conscience is clear. So chin up, no need to be sad, salary will be in next week.